Personal leadership

Live or be lived, who is at the helm of your life?

In the “free West,” we have quite a lot of freedom of choice. Some people, however, cannot see the wood for the trees because of all the choices. No freedom without responsibility: maturity is taking responsibility for your own choices. And if you don't make choices yourself, others will do it for you! So not choosing is implicitly also a choice.

Personal leadership /authentic leadership is making conscious (!) choices in life. Knowing what you want and especially how you want to live and making your choices accordingly. Living and not being lived.

There is something to choose in all 7Qi domains: body, emotions, beliefs, feelings, thinking, inspiration and inspiration. And then there is also the concept of duality: by choosing one, you automatically choose not to choose the other! Do you dare to make conscious (different) choices? In this article you will read how that works.

The triangle of will, can and do

While choosing, you have to deal with the triangle of will, can and do:

• What do I want? What (life) goals do I actually have and what way of living?
• What can I do? You can want something but can you do it? That depends on your self-awareness, your talents, skills and circumstances.
• what do I do? Finally, you can know what you want and can do things. But without discipline and action, little happens. So it's also a choice to do things (or consciously not do things, that's also a choice) and muster the discipline to get on with it.

It may sound a little simple. But usually you see that frustrations arise from not putting one of these three points into practice. We want something we cannot do (yet). Or, due to lack of talent, will never be able to do. Or we don't know what we want and just do something, or do what is asked of us. Complicated? No, but something to consider when making choices. Aligning wanting, being able and doing takes courage. The courage to be allowed to fail, to learn and to grow.

Well, a common thing is that often we don't choose, but we end up from one thing to another. Or that fate that a higher power decides. That may sometimes be or seem to be the case, but the question remains whether you yourself have any influence by making choices.

The beginning of my career, for example, I was given certain opportunities, which I immediately jumped at. Until at some point I realized that I actually wanted something completely different. But what exactly? Listening to my inner voice! But that wasn't easy in the beginning.

What is there to choose?

Your life goals are personal, of course. And we all know the effect of New Year's “good intentions". A year later, often just little became your reality.

Still, setting goals and training the discipline to live with some focus, is a trait you can take great pleasure in. Not dogmatic and setting everything aside for your own goals, but more like a compass in making life choices. Knowing what you want but also knowing what to leave for it.

A diagram or mood board can help. I would like to use the 7Qi framework here to create a layout. Especially since with this you often come to the realization that one objective may be at odds with another. I give a short and concise summary:

1. Body: This includes health, housing, safety, basic financial security (income).

Your body is the basis of everything. Only when we get sick do we realize, we assume that everything just works. How consciously do you work on your health (nutrition, rest/sleep/movement/nature).

And how and where do you (eventually) want to live? Buy a house or a rental. Big city or small town. Home or abroad. And how do you deal with savings or (financial) risks? Control and security with a fixed contract or entrepreneurial? And do you want a job with meaning? The clearer you can formulate what you want, the better you can work towards it. Keep it realistic, and dare to work step by step. But focus and discipline helps!

   2. Emotions: emotions are the “energy” valve of your system. Intense feelings can be charged through your emotions and discharged/released in case of tension.

Crying, shouting, roaring, trembling, moving, expressing anger or sadness, expressing frustration, experiencing and expressing ecstasy. It is an important thing in life. But sometimes it cannot, or should not be done. Because of culture, upbringing, work situation or forced situations. Emotions that your body cannot process can lead to trauma. Frozen emotions are stored in your body. You'll read more about that soon in another article.

Your goals emotionally have to do with charging/discharging your system. What causes passion in you? What gives you (life) pleasure? What gives you energy? And how do you provide discharge when there is tension? How do you process previously unprocessed emotions? Are you aware of attachment-related triggers and is it perhaps time to address the effects of your upbringing? Movement, singing, dancing, creativity are things that can regulate emotions. Or maybe it's time to choose trauma release (body-oriented) therapy?

  3. Ego: Norms & Values / Beliefs.

Our “system” consciously and unconsciously chooses certain norms & values. And beliefs of what we think is “true. Some you get from your upbringing (including attachment patterns), at work, with friends, during vacations. With every event in your life, there is a choice between perceiving, judging and condemning. As soon as you judge or condemn, your Ego is active. A belief of yours becomes active.

When you realize that 95% of your beliefs are subconscious then you understand how important it is to work on your awareness. If you are stuck in certain (subconscious) beliefs that do not serve you or even work against you and you exhibit related behavior, we call it “trap behavior. The more aware you are, the more consciously you can choose what you stand for. And thereby address your pitfall behavior.

There are methods to “surface” your subconscious beliefs. Your brain or rather brain and nervous system (including vagus nerve), has different energetic states/wavelengths. For example, through meditation, near dream states, hypnotherapy, breath work or body work and coaching/therapy (questioning) you can surface subconscious patterns (delta/theta/alpha waves) (beta waves, your conscious thinking). This is not only an 'alternative' story but is scientifically proven more and more clearly (read about this e.g. in the interesting book by Bessel van der Kolk/Trauma Traces).

A fundamental choice is whether you choose fear-driven (compensatory) beliefs or love-driven beliefs. This fundamental choice has been thought and written about for centuries. The striking thing is that the 7 virtues and deadly sins from the Christian tradition (which amount to making fear- or love-driven choices) can also be found in shamanic views (read e.g. the interesting book “the shamanic path of enlightenment” by Alberto Villoldo). The difference between -me-myself-&I- focused thoughts and behavior or between -together-win-and-respect focused behavior. Do I or another have to have power or money or things or e.g. nice brand clothing to be allowed to be there/valued or do I assume that I and others are unique and valuable in that uniqueness. Do I want to polarize or integrate.

Finally, parts of your brain can become blocked or overactive. At rest, you can use your neo-cortex. Reasoning, understanding, planning, overseeing. But under pressure, your limbic system will be the ringleader, and you will be moved to attack (e.g., getting angry or aggressive, controlling or blaming), flee (e.g., running away, denying, jockeying, addiction, etc.) or freeze (indecision, rigidity, dogmatism).

So the key is to keep your brain parts available. Neo-cortex hooked up if it can, limbic if it must/can't be otherwise. Inner peace and distance helps with this. And you can train that (with e.g. meditation or yoga). But you understand that this inner peace directly affects your choices! That is why it is said “count to 10 before you react”. You can then reduce tension and return to your neo-cortex. Thereby, your choices will increase!

What values are central to your life? Try writing them down. And then see which are love driven and which are fear driven. Any belief that inhibits you or others from being happy is actually a limiting belief and worth thinking about.

4. Feelings: You are not what you feel but you have feelings. And you can influence your feelings. With this Qi, figuratively speaking, we focus particularly on relationships with others and yourself. On your “heart to heart,” connection, nuance, love.

No two relationships are the same. So many people so many relationships I always say. But a relationship is different from love. In essence, a relationship is conditional (what kind of relationship with what standards and values do you enter into?) and love is unconditional (or as unconditional as possible).

That seems simple but is an important difference. So when you choose love you choose more unconditionality. You love fish when you let them swim (and not when you eat them) they say!

Ultimately, your choices around (un)conditionality determine what kind of relationships you maintain. With your parents and family, your friends and your colleagues. And imaginatively with everyone and everything (including the environment) in the world.

You will understand that this is a very short and simple description for something that concerns many. Because this is about setting boundaries versus accepting or even appreciating differences.

But last but not least, what relationship do you maintain with yourself? Can you love yourself unconditionally or must you meet a series of conditions? Often we are even more strict with ourselves than with our environment!

Your inner critic tries to help you in life. But sometimes it gets stuck in patterns. Do you have a strict (protective, controlling) inner voice or a loving voice? Do you try to reason everything out or do you also listen to your other Qi (feeling, body, etc.). Are you allowed to fail? Or in other words, to learn and grow? By “journaling” (keeping a journal with thoughts literally written out) you sometimes discover that your inner voice is different than you thought and you can choose more consciously how you speak to yourself. This is usually not a choice of 'I'll do / think that differently now' but breaking through a pattern of thinking. That takes practice. Sometimes short, sometimes longer and sometimes even a lifetime....

For the 'rational' people among us: realize that feelings and emotions are part of your 'system'. Suppressing feelings or emotions can go well for a while but in the long run it has consequences. It can even make you sick! And what is life without feelings or emotions? A life without love or beautiful impressive experiences?

Again, what do you choose? Which inner voice do you listen to and can you live with the consequences?

5. Mind: sense, learning, knowledge and skills.

What can and do you want to learn? Depending on your talents, you can consciously learn things. This can be intellectual (ratio) but also how you do things (skills). Learning creates opportunities. Your focus determines how and where you develop. Of course your talents play a role in this.

The older we get, the more we are “lived” by repetitive thought patterns. It takes courage to keep telling yourself: I am thinking this now, but I am not what I think. What would happen if I think something else? Do I dare to choose that?

You can also choose to be a little less quick to judge or condemn. Try listening to someone for as long as you can and putting yourself in their shoes. Maybe you will come to different insights.

6. Soulvoice: your unique life mission.

Soulvoice, in our rational world, is a somewhat vague concept perhaps. But ultimately you have a certain mission or perhaps even a “calling” in this life. Perhaps you want to help people or contribute to a better world, or teach things to others.

Part of your inspiration may also be changing patterns of yourself or overcoming certain disabilities. Be aware that every talent is automatically a handicap. For the man with the hammer, every solution is a nail. But, of course, there are other solutions! Employing a talent to compensate for suppressed patterns will eventually lead to illness/depression/burnout.

If you always do what others say and look little at your own inner wishes, dreams and desires you run the risk of slavishly using your talents. You will experience little motivation (in your work or relationship) and/or passion. Try sitting in silence for a while and listening to what you really want.

Are you aware of your inspiration? There are ways to make this clearer (for example, a life-course analysis). But ultimately your choices around the development of your talents (and automatically disabilities) determine how you can develop. What disability you have to overcome or how you will be remembered.

7. Inspiration: Inspirations and creativity

Sudden insights and creativity seem at first to be something that “happens” to you. This is true in a sense but you can influence it. By e.g. nature walks, visiting a museum, quests, meditating or types of people you interact with or reading books about inspirational people. You can also get inspirations with creative therapy (drawing/painting, etc.). Some of us get new insights in the shower or during dreams. Logic or “habitual thinking” can get you a long way but real inspiration often produces completely new insights.

It is a choice to make time to be inspired. And in case this seems a bit 'alternative'? Might be nice to know that several companies (like Apple/Daimler Benz) have designers/researchers and/or sales people consciously meditate for more creativity!

Finally, it is also a choice to possibly inspire others! By example. Or by expressions of your own creativity!

Focus and consistency

Making clear in these 7 areas what you want, can and do (or are going to do) creates more focus in your choices. And you will see through the mutual coherence. And especially about what you don't choose (anymore)!

Perhaps you are currently stuck in your work or relationship because you experience no inspiration or because you lean too much on your Ego/beliefs and do not listen to your feelings and emotions. As you can see at the bottom of this image are: attachment/trauma/falls. It is part of your choices to face them and do something with them. You often hear someone say “this is just who I am”. You may then wonder if this person does not believe in the possibility of change or is unwilling to change.

Ultimately, it is about making choices in life and dealing with the consequences (and/or subsequently making other choices). And again, even if you don't choose you eventually make a choice. Others then choose for you or 'life' given that you live in a world full of dualities. So it's really worth taking a break sometimes and sorting out what is important to you. And then make choices to keep doing things, do more or even change!

(Non)Duality and choosing

You may have heard or read something about (non)duality: By this is meant that the total is formed by opposites. Without good no evil, without ugly no beautiful, without awkward no convenient etc. The YinYang sign is a symbolic representation of this, with the addition that in the black part is a white dot and in the white part is a black dot. Meaning is: e.g. in the good there can also be something of “not good” and in the evil something good.

Simply put, non-dualists are trying to transcend duality. No longer fusing one of the parts but considering or even ignoring both parts.

In practice, this means staying open to more options. If you are always very controlling it is also sometimes good to surrender to a situation. If you are always nice it might be good to discover what happens when you get angry. If you always listen to your mind, sometimes it's also good to listen to your feelings (or other Qi) for a change.

Another representation is the story about the two wolves: A Cherokee grandfather talks to his grandson about life. “A battle is raging within me,” he says. “There is a battle raging between two wolves. One wolf is bad. The other is good.” The grandson considered his words and asked, “Which wolf is going to win?” The grandfather replied, “If you feed them well, they both win.” If I only feed the good wolf, the bad wolf will become even angrier. that wolf also craves attention. He will always be angry and will always fight the good wolf again. But if I acknowledge him, both he and the good wolf are satisfied, and both win.

This corresponds to C. Jung's “shadow theory”: everything you repress wants to be heard precisely (remember the story of the pink elephant: if you hear that you are not allowed to think about it you will actually think about it!). Suppressing is pointless. Lovingly acknowledging or shining the light on it lets it dissolve.

It is good to realize that in your earthly existence there will always be dualities. And so it is not choosing between one and the other, but rather “pulsing” between the two ( + and - let the light burn as a shaman once told me!).

But you are free to choose how to deal with it. Do you go with it (self-centeredness, power, lust, anger, polarization, sadness) or do you choose love, togetherness and positivity and unconditionality. At the same time acknowledging that every now and then you get a little out of control, for example, or that that other side can also be useful (and so it is allowed to be there).

The dark has a function. It lets you see/feel/experience that the light exists. In this way you can also suddenly realize that something will pass again or that you usually have windfalls. This is also called silverlining: seeing the beautiful (silver) edge of the cloud that floats in front of the sun for a moment). Don't get bothered by things. Often they are a nice prompt to make other choices. Usually they are an indication of something that is subconsciously (underlyingly) hindering you. Up to you “the choice” what to do with it!

It is important to recognize that (your) ego is just a belief, or rather a huge set of beliefs (conscious and subconscious). No truth. Ego is fusion with one side of a duality. But without Ego you don't exist on this earth I sometimes say. Nothing wrong with a belief. As long as you experience the freedom to choose to change a belief if it stands in the way of your life's happiness and love. Many a person makes the estimation mistake that success, money, pleasure, control, and material things produce life happiness. But this, unfortunately, is not sustainable life happiness. Once you have it, you find that it is insatiable. With love and compassion you move to a more sustainable state of life happiness.

Conversely, I have more often met people in my coaching practice who wanted to choose a loving spiritual life, but could not support themselves and/or looked down pretty unlovingly on people making other life choices. Or who were so preoccupied with their own “spiritual development” that they could do little for others. Also called spiritual materialism.

Duality forces you to make choices (or choose to take both parts of duality seriously). Useful techniques to get behind your (limiting) beliefs is the “Core Quadrants” technique by Daniel Ofman or “The Work” by Byron Katie. It clarifies how blind you yourself can be to your own beliefs and that in the inverse of your belief there is always a useful truth. You can find it via google or at the library. But a coach or therapist can usually help you with it as well.

In summary: non duality is a beautiful insight but on this earth you always have to deal with dualities and it is up to you to choose what you do with the dark side and whether you dare to choose the light side (love, respect, compassion, humanity) or go for a darker side (me-myself-&I). But the choice is ultimately yours.

Dealing with that consciously: that is personal leadership. And I wish you courage in your personal life choices and leadership!