Do you choose success and fun or also sustainable life happiness?
As a life coach, you naturally follow your professional literature. And on your social media the necessary gurus and well-meaning advisors and coaches about life happiness pass by. What strikes me is that everything is so much focused on “me, myself & I”: “how do I become successful” and in response to all the stress: “how do I feel better”, “how does my body become healthy(er)”, instead of how do you achieve sustainable (!) life happiness with others, create a loving environment and in what sense does “being there for others” affect your own life happiness and health. So obvious and yet so un(der)exposed!
And the secret is: there is no greater boost to sustained life happiness and your health than loving contact with others (and yourself, of course). Life happiness, by the way, is a consequence of a way of living, not a “goal” that you can simply achieve. That actively extending your hand to others makes an essential contribution to your own life happiness and . that of another at the same time, is the power of compassion! However, it is important that you guard your own limits and do it from a healthy motivation (and not as compensatory behavior). You can read how that works in this blog.
And then Long Covid came along
You may have almost forgotten already. Covid, a curfew and seeing fewer people. But for me, it was a longer-lasting reality. Long Covid. Think of it as a kind of exhaustion, stimulus hypersensitivity, jet lag and hang-over that immediately resurfaces daily with little effort.
It wasn't until I had been home with Long Covid for quite some time that it dawned on me. It is by no means natural for someone to reach out to you of their own accord when you are in a vulnerable position. People I didn't expect it from suddenly looked the other way and didn't speak up. That it could also happen so close by was still a somewhat unpleasant surprise.
Don't worry, this is not going to be a lament about lack of understanding. No, instead it is an insight I want to share. Simply put, in my (and others') opinion, reaching out to others is something you learn more and faster from, than many hours of self-help literature, therapy, coaching or spirituality. But I do now understand better why we dare to be less and less vulnerable. Our environment seems more and more difficult to deal with this. Perhaps looking at 'pain' is a very special (gift). Most of us want to get away from it as quickly as possible. Quickly look the other way. Move on. Maybe it will blow over! Or we 'well' have other priorities of course.
Are you also stuck in the Me, Myself & I - culture?
So, unfortunately, many people today are primarily (!) concerned with themselves, and less concerned with others. Thinking in terms of “me, myself & I” or “me or you” instead of “we. What do I think? What do I want? How can I grow? What do others think of me? Career steps, education, choice stress, own life goals, success stories, taking children to school or spoiling them, wanting beautiful things or experiences, always putting oneself first, or even gaining advantages if necessary at the expense of others. All focused on yourself and how you yourself experience things. And that seems to be intensifying. The media are full of talk about “polarization.
Most don't do that on purpose! Just busy, and just getting caught up in all the hustle and bustle takes mountains of energy. To combat stress, we might take some yoga classes, read some self-conscious books about an “overexcited brain,” or visit a therapist or coach. When is it enough? When are we satisfied? Do I need to get involved with others?
Social media like Tik-tok, Insta or Facebook do not make us happier at the same time. An “ideal” photostream of beautiful people, vacation pictures and nice stuff makes us think we are missing something. And give the risk of letting you live instead of living yourself. Despite the Internet with all its communication possibilities, we are lonelier than ever!
But especially people who are active in the “spiritual scene” or focused on self-awareness, are often very preoccupied with “me-myself-&I”-developing self-insights and participating in a scene. Expensive retreats in faraway lands, finding your life mission for thousands of dollars. The happiness and awareness market has become an industry for consumers and people who can afford it. Yoga, meditation/mindfulness, supplements and healthy eating can be huge anchors in your life. But that's different from living in an “ideal” bubble, saying you're grateful, publishing pretty pictures all the time, collecting branded clothes or spiritual jewelry or stones, or walking down fancy chic retreats and yoga gatherings and scouring everything that doesn't “fit” into your “love” worldview with fancy words -canceling- (aka spiritual materialism), when there are so many more insights to be found. Like the power of compassion ....
We are all spinning in an increasingly fast-moving mill. (Personal) Leadership is about setting priorities, making choices. But choosing between what? And choices seem to be made for you more and more. To say out loud that things must or can be done differently requires courage. And above all, action! We will dwell on the power of compassion! Away powerlessness. Hello love! Do I dare to choose love? Let's not try to polarize love. Self-love or your self-love? How about love between people?
There is more than self-awareness or empathy?
Self-awareness is a first step to developing your personhood. But to be honest, I think many of us are quite self-aware. We really do know that there is more to life than reason, promotions, success, paying bills, and stress. Or that a nature walk, less fretting, and healthy is better for us. But we seem to be stuck in a maelstrom of surviving rather than living.
And empathic (a second step) we are, too. We are quite capable of empathizing with others and understanding, imagining, and sometimes even sympathizing. But that's also where a first barrier arises. If we already don't have time or don't dare to listen to the voice of our own feelings or body, how then, when it comes to others? And a second pitfall: how do I avoid blindness through projection; that I lapse into judging or condemning instead of experiencing, sympathizing, or empathizing?
Where things increasingly go wrong, however, is the third step: personal leadership. And I don't mean that common bullshit from corporate training programs that claim this is about joining an authentic but company-appropriate leadership style.
The essence of personal leadership is making choices. And not just choosing personal life goals, but more importantly choosing a lifestyle.
Choosing between -love or fear- driven choices! Between unconditionality or self-centeredness. Between thinking in terms of 'we' instead of 'me or you'! And the first pitfall in this is that we talk too much and listen too little. Judging and condemning too quickly instead of observing. We do this internally (dismissing our feelings, emotions, body or passion with reason) and certainly externally to others.
The power of compassion
And I would like to appeal: choose compassion! Immerse yourself not only in yourself, but especially in another, and I assure you that your personal development will get an enormous boost! This creates an opportunity for sustainable happiness for you and (!) for another. Gratitude then becomes not a hollow new-age concept (“to raise your frequency”), or a temporary feeling of gain, but a deeply felt, and lasting experience for both.
Compassion: Actively extending a hand from yourself to another is an important “next step in your development towards or during sustainable (!) life's happiness. How does that work? Very simply. For example, think for a moment about the following questions:
Who do you know in your environment who can support you, help you regain (self)confidence, give you hope and comfort? Understanding or a listening ear? Or sometimes even a helping hand? You don't have to be a guru to do that. You can do that by looking or asking what you can do for others (if they want/ask, of course).
Cutting yourself off? No, on the contrary. Discover the power of compassion. Your world will look different! By listening to others, you will learn so much. For example: how people can get stuck in their brains, or do things other than what they say, even when they know it's not helpful or healthy. How they respond to (well-meaning) advice or just to your presence or interest. And just by being open to others, you not only help that other person but also yourself. Because nothing human is alien to you! You start to recognize things in others that also work or don't work for you.
It would go too far to explain here how that 'technically' works in yourself (for those interested: take a look at the workings of mirror neurons, dorsal/ventral nervous system development, the power of touch/oxytocin, etc.). But important to remember is that being there for others, or even helping others, also has a huge impact on yourself. I'll give a few examples:
- What if I just call and listen attentively for once, instead of having my own opinion right away? And what does that say about my interest and respect or ability to learn from others?
- What does my surprise, irritation/allergy of something I see in another person say about myself? can I (by definition in a diluted form) learn something from this?
- Do I immediately go to solutions and my mind, or do I notice my self-awareness being trained: what does it do to my body, my feelings, my own emotions, my way of thinking or beliefs? Am I always dead serious or do I go into my fight or flight mode or freeze? Or can I stay calm and smile?
- What does service or compassion give me and at the same time the other?
- Can I accept or relativize? Look at serious things with a smile?
- How do I react when someone does not take good care of himself or is self-destructive? And then what does that say about me?
- Can I truly observe (listen, hear, see) separate from judging that other person or even condemning them (which is no different than projecting my ego/standards onto another)
- Can I see the uniqueness of someone and take that into account in my reaction (and perhaps learn something from it myself?) or see the beauty of it?
- Is there complaining or suffering? Can I set boundaries when I help others or when others ask for help?
- What does faith, hope, and/or comfort mean to me? And what does seeing disbelief, despair, and reproach do to me? With my gratitude for everyday things, my partner, or my situation?
- When we come to deeper conversations with each other, does our relationship change? our mutual trust?
- How does gratitude from another person affect me? Does it make me warm-hearted or unable to receive?
- Or why do I avoid serious conversations myself?
- And if you just put the above questions aside (why do I ask so many questions?) and “be there” for another? Do you have to -do- something, think about it, or can you just “be there” with another and experience mutual respect and trust?
- If you still find this a bit uncomfortable, you could also start with a 'little act of kindness'. Give someone the right of way in traffic, smile when you pass or see someone sitting down (works in the office too!) or hold your door open for someone. What does that have to do with compassion? You are showing that you see someone else!
Benefits of compassionate action:
- It is a boost to your self-insight/self-awareness that allows you to develop even more insight (and empathy) in/for others.
- It can improve your relationship with yourself and with another person
you build a 'better' world (together instead of every man for himself) - You retain a lasting warm feeling of trust, respect and gratitude.
- Last but not least: it teaches you to put your own situation into perspective. Shared sorrow is half sorrow. Or maybe your own distress is more unimportant or normal than you thought.
- You learn that choosing love can have advantages over fear-driven responses. You choose less fear-related reactions (power, success, “consuming” stuff or pretty pictures or relationships; fleeing or attacking immediately when there is a difference of opinion) because they ultimately do not bring lasting life happiness and you choose more often love-related reactions (sharing, looking at a win-win situation, understanding, accepting, gratitude, respecting differences, small actions of love).
Compensatory behavior (caregiver syndrome)
One more important point! What if you do it, that reaching out, that is, because you (subconsciously) think you're not good enough if you don't? (i.e., experience and perpetuate a lack of self-love)?
A good indicator is unconditionality. How unconditionally do you extend your hand to another person? If you expect something in return there is apparently something in your behavior with which you want to influence (or even manipulate) for the benefit of yourself rather than to another. Unconditional is also respect for differences and the uniqueness of everyone.
Now there is nothing wrong with a win-win situation (benefit for both) but if you are actually doing it to benefit yourself (feel appreciated, feel more worthy, get a reward (even in the afterlife), feel heard or seen, be more popular, show that you dare to do something etc.) then it is probably compensatory behavior rather than compassionate behavior.
Being completely unconditional is something for saints (I speak from experience), but even any(er) conditionality or compensating can be a learning point. Should compensatory behavior come into play, you'll discover naturally, that setting boundaries in your “giving” is a focus (“giving and forgiving is different from surrendering” is the mnemonic). Because otherwise you get exhausted. Or that you eventually experience disappointment and you may find out for yourself where or by whom the disappointment is really caused.
